The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
