I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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