I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He did a backflip because drugs
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
