Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
