She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
