i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
