I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
