areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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