A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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