Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
