i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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