The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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