It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
