Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
