Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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