god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
