You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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