look no pants
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
