When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
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Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
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you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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