had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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