We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
