I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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