my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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