My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
