1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
the condom got lost in my hair
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
