someone threw a dead crab at me
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
