Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
