worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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