I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
