So drunk its hurt
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
