if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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