hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
