Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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