i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
