Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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