Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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