Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
