he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
