I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
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Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize