non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
