sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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