My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Let's paint friendship bongs
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
