he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
