did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
