someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
