...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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