omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
