I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices