Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
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Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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