She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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