they need to just BURY HIM!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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