party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
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trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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