alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
