I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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