I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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