so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
