thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
