I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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