If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
